The one-year-old

15 May 2017

9.05pm

Oh no. It’s the pouring phase. Pouring things out of everything and unfortunately not just in the bath. He pours everything he gets his hands on. When he has had a few sips of his beaker of milk, he pours the rest all over the floor. He pours water beakers and whatever was missed in the room scan – that frantic, hourly "can he reach that?" check.

The one-year-old, reminding us of his presence again. How did I forget about this stage? I actually had unintentionally blanked it out. It was a blissful time of pure ignorance, after Rafy had stopped his 1-3 year old antics. Reality has been pummelled back into my floor, our rooms, the kitchen table, cupboards, anywhere we go, since his wee brother arrived!

At home, the floor is a permanent sea of jigsaws, Duplo Lego, Potato Head parts, Thomas collections, Vtech cars, all the things I never grew up with and never thought I would have to swap my My Little Ponies and Barbie ball gowns for. I’ve long since given up trying to organise everything back in their own place. My Mother-in-law is quite obsessive compulsive and likes to organise her collection of toys (that she keeps for the grandkids at hers), and I know she winces every time the kids throw a Hot Wheel car in the Fisher-Price fridge, or Playmobil guys in the baby Annabell pram. Once upon a time, I shared the same revulsion. I got past it and cherish an extra 20 mins a day instead, but it's not painless!

As if I needed reminding about the one-year-old. I thought that I could chance nipping out of the room to empty the washing machine a few inches away. Our flat isn't much more than a few inches squared, even when the floor is clear. But leaving that chair upright at the table was a ludicrous risk and I've learnt my lesson. No more shortcuts.

In March, he started the 'climbing' phase and this is the third month of it. Without warning, he was on the kitchen chairs and since then, there has been significantly more cries than usual. Cries of frustration, despair, desperation, all from me of course. Today it was a spilt cup of tea, narrowly missing the Macbook. Thankfully it had long since gone cold; one of the rare times I'll appreciate a cold brew. He drags other things to climb onto, like upturned bins and pots and pans. I have my own furniture removal guy. Small bins don't get used for their intended purpose any more, unless I want actual litter to mingle with the ocean of toys.

As if that wasn't enough, he has simultaneously commenced the bib-off and socks-off phase. All day long, he tugs at his bib till it snaps off. So there is a permanent wet patch on his chest area. He can't get away without wearing a bib as he is the constant teether. Drool spills out of his face like water from a tap. We don't need to discuss the missing odd socks in abundance. The laundry basket is never hungry.

His big brother had different teething symptoms, so it's a new one on me. Aside from the mountains of bibs we get through every day, he has a permanent rash there. We devour wondrous teething salts and savour them like chocolate! A little sprinkle of Nelson's fairy dust from those marvellous sachets will at least provide some relief, even if it's just in the fun of the application process.

What is the diagnosis of a one-year-old then? Apparently these indications can begin anywhere from ten months old and end after the tantrum years (that said, I'm still waiting for my husband to complete this phase).

Some tell-tale symptoms:

• Clambering

• Pulling things down from table tops

• Smearing all the things that he has managed to pull down

• Emptying drawers

• Emptying cupboards and wardrobes

• Whinging

• Fussy eating

• Not eating

• Eating and vomitting it right up

• Throwing food

• Throwing other stuff

• Refusing to get into the bath

• Refusing to have his hair washed

• Refusing to get out of the bath once persuaded in

• Hitting his big bro with kitchen utensils stolen from an emptied drawer

• Whinging

• More whinging

• Contagious whinging which makes the whole family join in

• Oh have I mentioned the whinging?

The one-year old.

I wouldn't have believed me, had I read this before the pleasure of my two boys. Even if I'd read this after having had my first, I’d have mocked at the exaggeration. Perhaps you’re one of the lucky ones, having children that both eat and sleep well! I know they do exist – my friend has twins that are like soldiers, who eat on cue, sleep on cue, and those cues are sleek and elongated! Next to her, I always felt altogether inadequate. How can she make it run so smoothly with two, when I could barely handle one?

And that was before I really knew. Those friends with kids that woke up routinely in the night, I apologise profusely now. I’m sorry there was ever doubt and disdain, that there was judgment. How could I know? Rafy slept through the night from about three months old, enjoyed sleeping 11-13 hours every single night like clockwork, and never woke up in between. He also napped at least two hours in the afternoon. Even now, he needs twelve hours at night and goes to bed before his baby bro, waking up after!

So yes, it was a complete jolt of reality and shock to the core when Huxley arrived. The kid goes down fine at 9pm and yup, I know that’s late for a 15-month-old but he just will not relinquish any earlier. And do we actually want him awake in the morning, swinging from the floor lamp, much earlier anyway?! Twenty mins after 9pm, he will cry and wake up again. Then again somewhere in the wee hours. He is fully alert and bushy-tailed by 5:45. He will nap reliably from 12-2 during the day but if this nap is for some reason curtailed or removed, it makes little difference to the night sleep. He will only whinge more when awake. I'm not a glutton for punishment – the nap stays put!

Despite all my complaints, the cuteness of the one-year-old can be oh so spellbinding! Huxley, I even forgive you for the austerity and stench of that current poo explosion, as you so kindly fetch the change mat and wipes for me each time you let one detonate. You are too adorable and you know you can charm your way out of so much mischief, with one of your captivating cuddles!

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